and sometimes I forget how it should be.

I don't understand how happiness should be according to God's thought. I meant when I think this is the time for me to feel a lil' bit happy, He always creates something I can't understand. I think He always pulls me in the condition I really hate.

Sometimes He lets many things that make me mad happen and make me agree that He's so selfish. I meant how could He drive me into it again ? Is it too hard for Him to see me relieve just for a while ? Doesn't He know that it's kind of something really important for me ? He's God who really understands about everything, I think. And what does He want exactly ? He always ask me to find what He wants in my whole life, but why doesn't He give me what the clue is ? I'm not Him who understands about everything and who am I to beg for understanding ?

I'm totally mad, seriously ! For God sake, I just want to be happy and want to see everyone I love happy all at once !! Is it not right enough for Him ?! All I've done seems not worth it anymore.

Well, I don't know exactly what I must supposed to do. But one thing I always try to hold is I'm not a God who has a right to decide what the best for myself. I meant I'm just a human who has a right to make my best comes true though I have known nothing about it.

Honestly, everything I've got just makes me forget how happiness should be but He's still a God who never lets me fall too deep. When I feel many things are not worth it anymore He keeps remind me that I still have something worth it, something that makes me believe that happiness does exist though it means nothing for others. And thank God, through these all shit things that make me forget how happiness should be He keeps remind me to think about it, something He has gave to me as my own happiness. Well, what a day. I meant, what a life...